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The Lord of the Rings… by someone else? December 24, 2005

Posted by Tim in Humour.
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“What if LotR had been written by someone else?”, a great read from the Straight Dope messageboards.
Excerpts:

Dr. Suess’s FOTR:.

“Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!
I am too small to carry this thing!”
“I can not, will not hold the One.
You have a slim chance, but I have none.
I will not take it on a boat,
I will not take it across a moat.
I cannot take it under Moria,
that’s one thing I can’t do for ya.
I would not bring it into Mordor,
I would not make it to the border.”

LotR by George Orwell:

“I cannot read the fiery writing,” said Frodo.
“There are few who can,” replied Gandalf. “It is the language of Mordor, which I will not speak here. Translated into the common tongue, it reads:
‘All rings of power are equal,
But some rings of power are more equal than others.'”

Merry Poppins, P.L. Travers & Walt Disney:

o/` Wraith-wraithery, wraith-wraithery, wraith-wraith-eree,
A Nazgul’s as nasty as nasty can be.
Wraith-wraithery, wraith-wraithery, wraith-wraith-eroo,
your luck will run out when I’m looking for you.
So give me the Ring, or you’re Nazgul, too! o/`

o/` Just a spoonful of lembas helps the athelas go down,
the athelas go down,
the athelas go down.
Just a spoonful of lembas
helps the athelas go down
in a most delightful way. o/`

o/` Feed the orcs, tuppence a bag,
tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag. o/`

o/` Oooh…taurelilomeatumbalemornatumbaletaurealomeanor,
if you say it too slow then you won’t make it to dinner.
Unless you’ve got some time on hand don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
taurelilomeatumbalemornatumbaletaurealomeanor. o/`

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